- Turkish waiter: Your order sir?
- Woody Wilkins: [indicates Natlia's drink] I'll have one of those.
- Turkish waiter: One Istanbul Express.
- Woody Wilkins: Yes. A double.
- Turkish waiter: [suprised] A double? Nobody orders the double, sir!
- Woody Wilkins: Okay. Make it a triple.
- Krokov: Have you seen this report on this Condorman? On this man Wilkins? He is an AMATEUR, do you hear? He is NOT an agent of the CIA! He is a WRITER OF COMIC BOOKS!
- Woody Wilkins: [sitting up in the snow after falling from a cable broken by the KGB] I think they're gone! We can move now!
- Harry Oslo: I... may... never... move... again.
- [collapses into snow]
- Woody Wilkins: Who can save Princess Juliet - held captive by the evil Count Lorca? Who can save the city? Who?
- [pauses to put on goggles; in a deeper voice]
- Woody Wilkins: Who... this is a job - for CONDORMAN!
- Harry Oslo: Woody, you're a great cartoonist, and you're a great comic book writer - but you're a lousy bird.
- Woody Wilkins: Condorman - vulture of the Western world.
- [takes drink, looks surprised, spews jet of flame]
- Woody Wilkins: Rupel for your thoughts...
- [puts arm around Natalia]
- Natalia: [puts her arm around Woody] When I parted from Krokov, I promised myself I would never love again... a man of deception. But now I know there is deception, and deception...
- Woody Wilkins: I don't understand...
- Natalia: But I do.
- [smiles]
- Natalia: When I go to America, and reading the Sunday funnies, and eating my Big Mac, and planning for the senior prom...
- Woody Wilkins: [interupts] You may have missed the prom...
- Natalia: ...I would like it very much, if I could pick up my American telephone, call my friend Woody, and say... come over and be *diplomatic* with me.
- [smiles coyly]
- Woody Wilkins: I'll bring the dip, if you bring the dostoevsky.
- Natalia: [looks at Woody, confused]
- Woody Wilkins: That's a yes.
- Natalia: [Natalia has just discovered that Woody is not a real agent] Harry, who are you?
- Harry Oslo: Huh?
- Natalia: [holds up one of Woody's comic books] Woody is Condorman, I am Laser Lady! Who are you?
- Harry Oslo: [looking resigned] How'd ya find out?
- Natalia: [indicating the gaggle of children around her] The children here read comic books, too.
- Harry Oslo: [sighs] Let's take a walk.
- Woody Wilkins: [Woody looks in his side-view mirror and sees a group of black cars quickly coming up behind them. He nudges Natalia] Natalia!
- Natalia: What is it?
- Woody Wilkins: [points at her side-view mirror] You tell me.
- Natalia: The Brocknoviach!
- [observes the group of cars are almost to the truck's bumper now]
- Natalia: We cannot outrun them in this old truck!
- Woody Wilkins: You have a point there. But!
- [presses a button on the console, which causes the truck bench seat to lower into a hidden compartment. The dashboard lights up with camera angles, display readouts, RPM and spedometer displays; a hidden vehicle under the truck chasis]
- Woody Wilkins: .
- Natalia: [looks around at the new surroundings] Incredible!
- Woody Wilkins: [Woody presses a few buttons on the console, and the Condor car detaches itself from the antique truck chasis and races off]
- Natalia: Fantastic!
- Natalia: [the Brocknoviach drivers have begun to ram the back of the Condor car] . What do we do now?
- Woody Wilkins: Well, we push another button...
- [Woody presses another series of buttons on the dash, and then the activate switch on his steering wheel, which activates an oil slick, causing some of the cars to flip and crash into each other]
- Woody Wilkins: [the remaining cars continue to ram the back of the Condor car] Who are those guys?
- Natalia: The Brocknoviach is a elite pursuit squadron. Superb drivers, each one a dedicated killer.
- Woody Wilkins: [Woody presses another series of buttons and the activate switch on the steering wheel, which shoots flames out of the back, causing most of the remaining cars to crash but one] Ugh!
- Natalia: Do something!
- Woody Wilkins: There's nothing left to do!
- Natalia: [the last car pulls around on Natalia's side, rolls down his window and flips up his helmet visor, revealing one solid iron glass eye and one glaring human eye] Morovich!
- Woody Wilkins: You know that guy?
- Natalia: He's a homicidal maniac!
- Woody Wilkins: [in disguise as a wealthy sheik, Woody approaches Natalia on an outcropping of the estate] A thing of beauty!
- Natalia: Yes it is. I do not believe we have met. Natalia Rombovia.
- [holds out her hand to shake]
- Woody Wilkins: [takes off his sunglasses and whispers] Don't scream out, the calvary's here!
- Natalia: [surprised] Woo...!
- Woody Wilkins: Shhh!
- [gently places his hand over her mouth]
- Natalia: [whispering] Woody! They told me you were dead!
- Woody Wilkins: I've come to get you out. Come on!
- [reaches to take her hand]
- Natalia: [sees Krokov looking her way] No. I cannot go with you.
- Woody Wilkins: What do you mean?
- Natalia: Krokov will...
- Woody Wilkins: Krokov, forget Krokov! Now come with me!
- Natalia: No! No! Krokov...
- [sees Krokov walking towards them, and calms down]
- Natalia: Krokov had a plan. It was a plan. Don't be stupid. Krokov thought you were a top agent. My defection was a ruse. To kidnap you. But now he knows you are nothing but a foolish dreamer who draws comic books, not worth the bullet to kill you. So go now, please, and don't...
- Krokov: [interupts] I see you have already met the shiek.
- Natalia: Yes. He thought we had met before!
- Krokov: Is that so?
- Woody Wilkins: But I was... mistaken. A foolish dream, perhaps.
- Natalia: [walks away and takes Krokov's arm] It was a pleasure meeting you. I'm sorry we didn't have more time. Some other day, perhaps.
- [Woody nods, Natalia turns to leave with Krokov, then turns back momentarily]
- Natalia: If you bring the dip, I'll bring the dostoevsky!
- Woody Wilkins: [looks away, heartbroken, then realizes Natalia's hidden message] I'll bring the dip...
- [smiles]
- Woody Wilkins: I'll bring the dip... Natalia!
- Harry Oslo: [looking at his watch] 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...
- [presses a button on his remote which sets off a series of detonations]
- Natalia: [both stand on a balcony with no way down] We're trapped!
- Woody Wilkins: Don't you believe it!
- Natalia: Woody, I'm frightened!
- Woody Wilkins: Don't worry...
- [begins to take off his robe and beard]
- Woody Wilkins: Condorman has it all figured out!
- Natalia: But how will we escape? Fly?
- Woody Wilkins: [Woody discards his robe and unlocks two handles on his backpack, revealing giant wings]
- Natalia: You are not serious?
- Woody Wilkins: You want out?
- Natalia: [goes to him, hugging him tightly] I want you!
- Woody Wilkins: Then get behind me, and hold on tight!
- Krokov: [turns on the lamp] Hello, Natalia. Welcome home.
- Natalia: Sergei. I didn't expect you.
- Krokov: I'm sure you didn't, my dear. Nor did I expect you to travel to Istanbul to meet our American friend.
- Natalia: As I was going to tell you about. The meeting was supposed to be a civillian operation, eh? They sent a *top* agent. He was good.
- [steps behind the dressing screen to change clothes]
- Natalia: . Very smooth. And very tough. Almost as tough as you, Sergei.
- Krokov: And his name? Surely, when you were finding out how... tough... and how smooth he was, you found out his name?
- Natalia: He called himself Condorman.
- Krokov: Condorman? Quaint. But he is good. The way he handled those three turks was impressive. But, you were stupid to be seen by a chinese agent. And I cannot afford costly mistakes. Oh, my dear Natalia, that is why I have changed my mind about taking you with me to Monte Carlo. You need to be... re-educated, on the, teachings, of our masters.
- Russ Devlin: [in Russ's office with Harry] We have a Russian agent, who wants to defect. This agent required a specific person to handle the exchange. Now, we have been given the code name of the agent requested, but we've never heard of it. I want you to go through all the active agents, and find out who is using the code name, Condorman!
- Harry Oslo: [flops down in the chair, stunned]
- Russ Devlin: What's wrong?
- Harry Oslo: I think I know... who's using that name.
- Woody Wilkins: [in Woody's drawing room, Russ and Harry have just explained to Woody what has been requested] Are you serious?
- Russ Devlin: Very.
- Woody Wilkins: I could get killed!
- Harry Oslo: Come on, Woody, it's just a simple defection...
- Woody Wilkins: Simple defection for you, maybe! I just delivered some *simple* papers to Istanbul! Nearly got shish-ka-bobbed by three turkish behemoths!
- Russ Devlin: We would safeguard your every move, Mr. Wilkins. The Bear is very important to us.
- Woody Wilkins: The Bear? Listen guys, I'm sorry. But I refuse to risk my life, especially for someone who goes under the name of The Bear! I'm sorry. I'm sorry,
- [sits down at his desk]
- Woody Wilkins: I'm sorry.
- Russ Devlin: [nods to Harry in a Talk Some Sense Into Him motion]
- Harry Oslo: [sits down next to Woody] Come on, Woody. You said it yourself, you'll never have Condorman do anything in your comics unless it has been tested and proven. Well now, here's your chance! Out of the storybooks, into real life! It's a chance of a lifetime, and we'll be with you every step of the way! Right Russ? Right... Russ?
- Russ Devlin: [has moved to one of Woody's sketches on the wall. He takes a photo out of his jacket pocket, and compares it to the image] . You know, Mr. Wilkins, we wouldn't even be asking you to do this, if it wasn't for the fact that The Bear, insisted on you being the escort.
- Woody Wilkins: Well, how would The Bear know about me?
- Russ Devlin: Because, you've already met her. In Istanbul. Natalia Rombovia. Of the KGB.
- Woody Wilkins: [stands] Natalia?
- Russ Devlin: [Woody shows Russ and Harry his sketches on what he will need for the mission] No. No. No. Absoubtly not.
- Woody Wilkins: Now hang on a minute! You said we would do it my way with my designs!
- Russ Devlin: Yes, but this is going to cost a fortune!
- Woody Wilkins: OK. If I don't get what I need, then I don't get The Bear!
- Harry Oslo: Over to you, Russ.
- Russ Devlin: Well, I don't... I don't know.
- Harry Oslo: Ah, and if all else fails, we are prepared, Russ. We can always go to *Plan B*.
- Russ Devlin: Hmm. OK. Harry, get these down to R & D right away!
- Harry Oslo: Right away, Russ!
- Russ Devlin: Have everything set up, I want to move on this right away!
- Harry Oslo: Right!
- Russ Devlin: I want you there, yesterday! Plan B.
- Woody Wilkins: [after Russ leaves] What's Plan B, Harry?
- Harry Oslo: I don't know. But I hope to have it ready before you get to Yugoslavia.
- Natalia: [Natalia, Harry and Woody are hiding in a church, admist the attendees for a wedding. Natalia sees Morovich and his henchman storm in and begin searching the crowd] I wish to speak!
- Priest: [stops with the wedding ceremony] Yes?
- Natalia: [points] This man is already married!
- Priest: To whom?
- Natalia: To me.
- Groom: What?
- Natalia: Come home, Piedro, please? For the sake of the children!
- Groom: [looks to his bride to be] She's lying! She's nothing but a liar! She's crazy!
- Natalia: I wish I was! But Piedro Junior cries for his father!
- Groom: You will leave here at once!
- Natalia: I will not! Uncle Luigi and I have come to take you home!
- Groom: I will remove you myself!
- [grabs Natalia]
- Natalia: Don't you lay a hand on me!
- Groom: Who will stop me?
- Natalia: [points to Morovich] Uncle Luigi!
- Groom: I will make short work of this *Uncle Luigi*!
- [the groom and Morovich start fighting, while Natalia, Harry and Woody slip out the back]
- Woody Wilkins: [Woody and Natalia have just landed to meet Harry at the rendezvious] Hurry, Harry! There almost on us!
- Harry Oslo: [grabs life vests and hands one to Woody] Here!
- Natalia: [Woody starts to put the vest on Natalia] Why did you come to get me? You could have left me at the villa!
- Woody Wilkins: [wrenches the life vest straps as he puts it on Natalia to get her attention] Why did you pretend like you didn't want to come?
- Natalia: I didn't want you to be killed! If I had asked you to help me, you might have gone off and done something stupid!
- Harry Oslo: [sarcastically] Instead of the smart and sensible thing we're doing right now!
- Woody Wilkins: But what about all that stuff about me being a... foolish dreamer who draws comic books, huh?
- Natalia: Did I say that?
- Woody Wilkins: Uh huh.
- Natalia: [caresses Woody's cheek] Laser Lady would say anything to save the man she loves.
- Harry Oslo: [Woody and Natalia begin to kiss, Harry whistles loudly, stopping them] Will you two come on?
- Woody Wilkins: On the boat, Natalia!
- [Harry, Natalia and Woody board a boat dock, and take stairs down to a floating garage. Two curtains open and the Condor boat rockets out]
- Harry Oslo: [Harry arrives at the train station and looks for Woody. He spots him, wearing a trenchcoat, sunglasses and fedora pacing the loading platform. Harry walks up to Woody and taps him on the shoulder] What are you doing?
- Woody Wilkins: [doing his Bogart impersonation] Of all the stations, in all the worlds... you like?
- Harry Oslo: I hate. Gimmie the hat and trenchcoat.
- Woody Wilkins: What? No!
- Harry Oslo: Woody, you were hired because you're a civilian! Try to take it easy with the Bogart schtick.
- [Harry takes the fedora and sunglasses]
- Woody Wilkins: OK. But leave me the coat, please? It gives me confidence.
- Harry Oslo: OK. Here, hold out your arm.
- [cuffs a briefcase to Woody's wrist]
- Woody Wilkins: Ohhhhh! Oh, I like it, Harry! I like it!
- Harry Oslo: I knew you would.
- [hands Woody the briefcase]
- Woody Wilkins: Thanks, Harry. And don't worry, I won't let the organization down.
- Harry Oslo: Do me a favor, will ya Woody? Get on the train, order a stiff drink, stay out of trouble?
- Woody Wilkins: Right. Right.
- Harry Oslo: [hears the station operator announcing the train departure] OK, that's you, better get aboard. Here's your ticket, and your passport.
- Woody Wilkins: [takes the items] Wait, Harry. Where do I get off again?
- Harry Oslo: At the end of the line, Woody. Istanbul.
- Woody Wilkins: [has taken the fedora from Harry's pocket, and puts it on] Istanbul.
- Woody Wilkins: Oooooooohhhhh! Way to go, Russ! He got it exactly right!
- Natalia: What is it?
- Woody Wilkins: I'll show you!
- [unpacks the jet trolly]
- Woody Wilkins: See, you just, hook it onto the cable, then you open the stirrups, climb aboard, flip this switch, and Zowee! Right up the mountain!
- Harry Oslo: Whoa... hold on!
- Woody Wilkins: Harry, there's nothing to be afraid of.
- Harry Oslo: Woody... I can't handle heights.
- Woody Wilkins: OK. Then you climb on with me, and hold on.
- Harry Oslo: [climbs on] Whhhooooooaaaaaa!
- [holds on to Woody for dear life, squinting his eyes shut]
- Natalia: Ready?
- [she flips the switch for Woody, and the jet trolly takes off. Natalia then gets on hers, flips the switch and is right behind Woody and Harry]
- Krokov: [Krokov, on the mountaintop, watches the three crossing the Alps. He picks up his radio] Morovich? Do you see them?
- Morovich: [Morovich, a little lower on the mountain, is on an outcropping with a sniper gun] Da.
- [He target's Woody and Harry's jet trolly at the junction where the pole and the wheels on the cable meet]
- Krokov: Shoot.
- Natalia: [a shot rings out and Harry and Woody fall to the snowy embankment below, leaving impressions in the snow upon impact. There is no movement from either of them] Woody! Wooooddddyyyyyy!
- Natalia: [Krokov walks into Natalia's room] . I hate you.
- Krokov: I am going to save your life. Our story will be that your defection was a ruse to kidnap this Condorman. Our agencies in Monte Carlo and Yugoslavia have already been informed. The failure, however, will fall on Morovich. Of course, we will have to have him killed. We certaintly can't have him going off telling his side of the story. Hmm?
- Natalia: You pig! Do you think that things will ever be the same again between us?
- Krokov: For the moment, I don't care. But remember, Natalia, while you are here in this comfortable, but inpenetrable fortress, your every move will be watched.
- Natalia: Get out of here!
- Woody Wilkins: Well?
- Harry Oslo: I got some information on Natalia.
- Woody Wilkins: Tell me!
- Harry Oslo: Krokovk's got her. He's holding her at the embassy on the border of Monte Carlo.
- Woody Wilkins: We've gotta get to her, Harry!
- Harry Oslo: Woody, wait. We also got new orders. We've been ordered back to the U.S. The mission's considered a bust.
- Woody Wilkins: I can't go back. Not without Natalia. I love her, Harry.
- Harry Oslo: I know.
- Woody Wilkins: Look, I've still got top rated clearance. That gives me access to anything I need, right?
- Harry Oslo: Woody, that was before we were ordered back to the states!
- Woody Wilkins: I don't care about orders! Tell them you couldn't find me in time!
- Harry Oslo: I can't do that, Woody.
- Woody Wilkins: All that matters, is Natalia.
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