Truth is that the dinner party, held in one’s own home or apartment, has been largely gone for decades. They hardly exist, certainly not on a regular basis. It’s surely not common and not a normal habit.
It’s a symptom of a larger problem which is the decay of private life, associations, and community. This is tragic. We simply cannot preserve freedom so long as the battle is between individuals and large corporations and government, as Alexis de Tocqueville said.
So, yes, the dinner party makes a contribution to building community, and it is something you can do.
To be sure, it could be that I’m just not invited and that these happen constantly. I actually doubt it, however. It’s not because there is no china or serving bowls in the house. People’s kitchens are stuffed with things designed for dinner parties. But they are mostly a fantasy. People want to hold a dinner but are stopped due to various fears.
This is sad and tragic. We might explore the reasons.
1. People are embarrassed that their homes are too messy or not nice enough and are shy to bring people in. This is simply wrong. I had a good friend from Russia who when he moved to the United States got a tiny apartment, set up two card tables, and immediately started inviting people over, even though his apartment only had folding chairs and no pictures on the wall. He invited Congressmen, Ambassadors, homeless people, whomever. It was a wild time. A crazy mix of people!
Everyone loved it and people always returned possibly because he was brilliant and eccentric. The main point is that he was never shy about his furnishing or the state of his place. He was in fact proud of it, and his attitude came through to his guests.
Everyone had a good time. There are more than enough fancy places people can go. Whatever your furnishings, it simply doesn’t matter. If you have chairs and a table, you have a dinner party. It’s the spirit of generosity that counts. And there is nothing as warm and welcoming as inviting people to your home. Public restaurants will never be a substitute.
As for anxieties about housecleaning, let’s face it: this is mostly psychological. It stems from oddly deep fears of judgment from others. It makes no sense. Pick up things, vacuum, clean the mirrors, and you are done. Get over it!
2. People are afraid to cook because they do not know how. This is silly because most people have picked up some kind of skill in home cooking over the last several years. No, I don’t think ordering in pizza is a good idea but most everyone can make something, even if it is just hamburgers. It’s the thought that counts. One tip here that people tend to miss. It’s hugely important when you invite guests over not to spend all the time in the kitchen making a big mess and lots of noise.
You want it to be as effortless as possible. Every minute you spend in the kitchen ends up causing people to want to join you in the kitchen. Next thing you know, you have a house party going on in the kitchen itself. Your number one job is to tend to your guests, not fuss over food.
This is why your best choice for a dinner party is something that cooks low and slow and can be served any time people are ready to eat. You don’t want to risk something that requires 20 minutes of heavy labor.
This is why it is usually best to drag out the crockpot or the roasting dish with a big beef roast or pork or chicken. If you are an experienced cook you know this: it is simply magic what a closed top and slow cook time can achieve. A big piece of meat, some herbs and spices, and a load of veggies can turn into something extraordinary.
There is also the advantage of this that it fills the house with wonderful smells that are there when the guests arrive.
Never forget the fundamental rule that is never more important than when you are entertaining: Cleaning is just as important as cooking and it should be done as you go. You never want to leave a big mess in the kitchen especially if it is in view of the dining room. That stresses people out, and just looks sloppy. Keep your kitchen neat and today with all things put away.
3. There is always the matter of the guest list. Keep it small for a dinner party, at least for starters. People these days have totally forgotten the key rule of all such parties, which is: guests never advertise to others in their same social circle that events to which they have been invited. It’s rude and creates all sorts of social conflicts. It’s hard to tell people this. They are just supposed to know, but these days people do not know this.
As a result, many like holding large house gatherings with finger food and no central table for sitting down. That’s a bit of a bummer to my mind, but there is a way to save such occasions. At some point in the evening, you must stand and make a short speech on something. It could be serious, friendly, funny, whatever, it does not matter, and it need not last more than a minute. It should end in a toast to a theme, be it friendship or community or whatever.
The point is to create one central moment of the evening for everyone to remember. Otherwise, the great risk of such events is that people come and go and rattle around talking to just a few folks and then leave. It’s just not very interesting. You can rescue this with a main toast of the evening.
The same is true with the small dinner party. At some point it must include a toast. You will be amazed at how this small element of ceremony saves and defines an entire evening.
My conclusion: give the dinner party in your own place, no matter how fancy or humble. You can do it, and make your own contribution to rebuilding the rich private lives we’ve lost over these years of terrible upheaval. It’s the way to cultivate loyal friendship and build connections and networks that are essential to a civilized and free life.
