Amae: Difference between revisions

Amae (甘え) is a Japanese word used to describe the behavior of a person attempting to induce an authority figure, such as a parent, spouse, teacher or boss, to take care of him. The person who is carrying out amae may beg or plead, or alternatively act selfishly while secure in the knowledge that the caregiver will forgive and indulge. The behavior of children towards their parents is perhaps the most common example of amae, but it has been suggested that child-rearing practices in the Western world seek to stop this kind of dependence in children, while it continues into adulthood in close relationships in Japan.^[1]

Although the word originated in common parlance, the Japanese psychologist Takeo Doi has done the most to explain and describe this type of behaviour. In his book The Anatomy of Dependence, first published in 1973, Doi states that amae is not just a Japanese phenomenon, but the Japanese are the only people who have an extensive vocabulary describing it. The reason for this is that amae is a major factor in Japanese interaction and customs.^[2]

Doi explains that amae is the noun form of amaeru, an intransitive verb which he defines as "to depend and presume upon another's benevolence". It indicates "helplessness and the desire to be loved". Amaeru can also be defined as "to wish to be loved" and "dependency needs". Various bilingual dictionaries define amae as "to lean on a person's good will", "to act lovingly towards (as a much fondled child towards its parents)", "to take advantage of", "to behave like a spoilt child", "to trespass on", "to behave in a caressing manner towards a man", 'to speak in a coquettish tone', "to encroach on (one's kindness, good nature, etc.)", and so on. 'Amae' is, in essence, a request for indulgence of one's perceived needs.

Doi says,

"The psychological prototype of 'amae' lies in the psychology of the infant in its relationship to its mother; not a newborn infant, but an infant who has already realised that its mother exists independently of itself ... [A]s its mind develops it gradually realises that itself and its mother are independent existences, and comes to feel the mother as something indispensable to itself, it is the craving for close contact thus developed that constitutes, one might say, amae".^[2]

According to Doi and others, in Japan the kind of relationship based on this prototype provides a model of human relationships in general, especially (though not exclusively) when one person is senior to another. As another writer puts it:

"He may be your father or your older brother or sister ... But he may just as well be your section head at the office, the leader of your local political faction, or simply a fellow struggler down life's byways who happened to be one or two years ahead of you at school or the university. The amae syndrome is pervasive in Japanese life".^[3]

Amae may also be used to describe the behavior of a husband who comes home drunk and depends on his wife to get him ready for bed. In Japan, amae does have a connotation of immaturity, but it is also recognized as a key ingredient in loving relationships, perhaps more so than the notions of romance so common in the West.

For a lengthy critique of his work, which dismisses Doi's theory as merely another variety of nihonjinron see Dale, Peter N. 1986. The Myth of Japanese Uniqueness Oxford, London. Nissan Institute, Croom Helm.pp.116-175

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