Boundaries 101

- Hi, my name is Hannah and I'm a hugger. My friend's father calls me Hannah the hugger. I love hugging. I tell people it's my superpower. I really pride myself on giving people meaningful, deep hugs. It brings me a lot of joy. In my 20s I believed everyone I met wanted a hug from me, whether they knew it or not. If you were in my path, watch out because I was throwing my arms around you. Until one day I met someone new. As I reached out to hug her, she recoiled, saying please don't touch me. I didn't give you permission. I was so embarrassed and kind of humiliated. I wasn't trying to offend her. I just wanted to share my superpower with her but she didn't want my hug. She must have noticed the shock on my face because she quickly said, it's nothing personal. It's just a boundary I have. Well, that confused me even more. A boundary, what's that? Maybe you have the same question. After watching this lesson you'll be able to describe what a boundary is and consider whether or not they're present in your life. So first, let's define what a boundary is. Boundaries are the lines you draw in relation to anyone or anything outside of yourself. You often hear parents say to young children, you've crossed the line. What they mean is that the child has overstepped their limits. Boundaries then are also limits and rules that help you navigate your relationships. And you have all sorts of relationships, right? With food, friends, family, time, work, rest, the list goes on. Therefore, your boundaries, the lines you draw appear in a wide variety of categories such as physical, verbal, emotional, just to name a few. Next, how you operate relative to those categories reveals whether or not you have boundaries. I mistakenly assumed that everyone enjoyed being hugged but I was wrong. I didn't have physical boundaries, and I wasn't mindful that others would. To function at your very best as a human being or a stellar employee, you need to have boundaries in place and be aware that others do too. Despite what you think you can't eat all the cookies in the cookie jar. You have to draw the line somewhere or else there'll be consequences. Finally, boundaries aren't a value judgment. They're merely distinguishing markers. When I went to hug that girl, I didn't know well and she stopped me. She wasn't rejecting me and telling me I was a bad person. She was merely stating her needs and preferences, which were different from mine. Making others feel comfortable is an admirable quality, but when you do so at the expense of your own comfort you hurt yourself in the process. The goal with boundaries is to value the other person and yourself equally through effective communication. Boundaries are healthy lines or limits you set so you can operate at your very best. Now that you recognize this, take time to consider what categories of your life need boundaries. I'll tell you a secret. In the end I'm really glad that that girl told me I couldn't hug her. Ever since then, before I hug someone, I ask first and I can tell you, it makes both of us feel really good.