Is This Really Love?

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Subtle abuse can be difficult to detect and recognize because it consists of small, more nuanced acts of aggression and manipulative tactics that are used to assert power and control over one’s partner. It can be very sneaky and is often mistaken for “passion” and “love."

In my practice, most clients will confirm that the subtle abuse experienced in their relationships is initially difficult to detect because the abusive behavior doesn’t seem that bad. And when they do detect and confront problematic behavior, there is always some excuse offered by the abuser or justification for the abuse. The abuser will either try to downplay the severity of these behaviors and attribute it to their “love” for their partner or chalk it up to “anger issues,” mental health challenges, or lack of trust due to a past relationship or trauma. And these rationalizations make the abuse a little bit easier to digest and tolerate—at least for a while.

Unfortunately, over time, prolonged and compounded subtle abuse can take a huge toll on your mental health, self-worth, and overall well-being. Therefore, it’s important that you are able to identify the signs of subtle abuse, including behaviors that may seem trivial but are damaging in the long term.

Here are 5 problematic behaviors to be weary of:

1. Jealousy (isn’t “cute”)

Many of us have been socially conditioned to view jealousy in our partners as “cute” or endearing. However, jealousy, while a normal human emotion, can suggest abuse when a partner regularly expresses feelings of jealousy or is unable to manage their feelings in a healthy way effectively. Here are ways jealousy can become problematic:

• When your partner becomes possessive and expresses ownership over you.
• When your partner dislikes you spending time with others or tries to discourage you from making time for other people and relationships in your life.
• When your partner tries to dictate who you can and cannot spend time with or the activities you engage in.
• When your partner uses their jealousy to justify or rationalize irrational behaviors and reactivity (like yelling, name-calling, and making wrongful accusations).
• When your partner regularly asks you to check your phone or tries to control your use of your phone and other devices.

2. Chronic Criticism (isn’t “constructive”)

While constructive criticism and honest feedback are important in healthy relationships, criticism isn’t “constructive” when it is used to embarrass you or evoke shame. Oftentimes, an abusive partner will justify their use of criticism by saying that they are trying to “help” you or “make you a better person.” Here are ways criticism can become problematic:

• When your partner criticizes your intelligence.
• When your partner criticizes your decision-making abilities.
• When your partner criticizes your values and belief system.
• When your partner criticizes how you perform everyday tasks.
• When your partner tells you that your needs are “wrong” and criticizes you for having reasonable expectations for them as your partner.

3. Jokes at Your Expense (aren’t “playful”)

While jokes can be playful, they are not playful when they are excessive and mean-spirited in nature. When your partner frequently makes jokes about you to make you feel bad about yourself or embarrass you in front of others, it is a form of abuse. While it may seem harmless, jokes like this, to put it simply, are put-downs disguised as being “funny” or “playful.” Here are ways jokes can be problematic:

• When your partner continues to make jokes at your expense even after you have asked them to stop.
• When your partner pushes back after you have expressed that your feelings are hurt and that these jokes make you feel bad.
• When your partner tells you that you are being “too sensitive” or “can’t take a joke,” after you try to set limits and boundaries with them.
• When your partner tells you that you need to "grow a thicker skin."

4. Reactivity (isn’t “passion")

While intensity and “passion" are desired by many, they do not always equal love. In fact, emotional distress and reactivity in our partner can indicate abuse. When your partner is unable to manage their emotions or cope with stress and takes things out on you, this can become incredibly harmful and unsafe. Here are ways reactivity can become problematic:

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• When your partner doesn’t take accountability for their reactivity and blames you (and others) for their outbursts.
• When you feel like you have to walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting your partner.
• When your partner fights dirty and purposefully says things to hurt you and make you feel bad about yourself.
• When you are unable to have serious conversations without your partner becoming verbally aggressive.

This form of subtle abuse occurs when you try to communicate your feelings or perspectives and they are dismissed or minimized by your partner. An abusive partner will refuse to engage in perspective-taking or try to understand your point of view or experience and will either tell you that you are “wrong” or make you feel that your feelings and/or needs are inherently “wrong.”

5. Neediness (isn’t “sweet”)

Many people like it when their partner is “needy” because it makes them feel loved and appreciated. However, neediness can become toxic and a means of control if it infringes on your autonomy and ability to have a life and identity outside of your partner. When you are forced to abandon aspects of your life for the sake of your partner’s comfort, this can become a slippery slope. Here are ways neediness can become problematic:

• When you are asked to sacrifice your own needs for those of your partner.
• When your partner regularly asks you to cancel or change your plans for their sake.
• When your partner insists on being part of your personal hobbies and endeavors despite you asking to pursue these things on your own.
• When your partner tries to distract you from things that matter most to you like spending time with friends, work etc...

Trust your gut: If someone is making you feel bad about yourself or questioning your self-worth, it could be a sign of subtle abuse. You don’t have to wait for things to get “really bad” to leave a relationship.